I Am A Warrior

Sunday afternoon, 3pm. I decided that I had been flay enough with pushing back my workout and I needed to get it done before my friends started to arrive to watch the hockey game. I put on my workout pants and turned on my PiYo dvd. As I bent over to stretch my back, midway through the warm up, I felt my entire back tighten with pain. I’d felt the pain before, about 16 months ago when I had my first back spasm. I carefully pulled myself up from the leaning position and was unable to stand up straight. I tried to pull myself together and look forward to an evening of hockey with my friends.

The game started and the back pain seemed to subside with heat and some Advil, also with the distraction provided by cheering the Dallas Stars on against the New York Rangers. I texted a co-worker from the spa, where I work on Saturdays, and let him know that I’d had a back spasm. He stopped by on his way home from work and did some muscle manipulation. After that, however, my back was too loose and went into spasm again. I cried out in pain and laid down on the bed. I got in touch with my mom, a retired RN, and told her what was going on. She suggested going to the hospital, but the holistic inside me wanted to wait it out until the morning and see how I was feeling.

It wasn’t long after that that I had a couple of more spasms and decided that I wasn’t going to be able to make it until the morning, I needed immediate attention. My co-worker ran around, helping me as much as he could, the hockey game had ended and my other guests had left (I don’t blame them, obviously, I wasn’t really being much fun, and unless you’re a doctor you don’t really know what to do with a person who was in my state). I made it to the floor in the hallway and fell over with another spasm, and another. Waiting for my parents wouldn’t be an option because there was no way they would have been able to get my out of my apartment. So I called the paramedics. They took me out on a stretcher, after I army crawled from the hallway to my living room.

I got to the hospital and, while I was definitely in pain, I was still trying to crack jokes (I asked the paramedics if we could stop at Starbucks and they said no). The next 16 hours is a bit blurry. I know that I was taken to get X-Rays done pretty much immediately. But because of the back pain I wasn’t able to get from the ER stretcher to the table and back again. When I tried to move over to the ER bed I screamed in pain and the technician told me that I couldn’t do it. My inner Angry Goddess didn’t like that so I spat out a sarcastic remark about making the pain stop. 4 others came into the room, got me on a sheet and were able to pull me back onto the ER bed. I went through the same thing during the CAT Scan and MRI. The women in the CAT Scan area were actually the most apathetic and helpful in the ER.

But the pain didn’t stop. I screamed for what must have been hours. I would have a spasm, then I could feel it stop, then I would get hit with another one. My mom was holding on to my arms each time and I could see that she was holding back tears. The night wore on, I lost track of time, all I remember was the constant, unsubsiding pain. The ER doctor wasn’t sure what to do about me because normally they give a back spasm patient a muscle relaxer and send them home. Clearly, that wasn’t going to work for me.

I was finally admitted and given a room on Monday afternoon. In the cancer ward, on the oncology floor. A doctor came by and soon I was on painkillers, muscle relaxers, and a steroid (to help decrease the inflammation). Surgery was mentioned, and I didn’t like that, at all. All I could think was that I wanted the pain to stop and to be able to go home.

On Tuesday morning, my dad came to pick up my mom and took her home so she could get her care and a few things that she would need while I was staying in the hospital. My doctor made it clear that surgery was on the table and that I would be in the hospital until at least Friday, longer if I had surgery. I took my medications, did some physical therapy and had a couple of visitors. At the end of the day I was exhausted, but hopeful. I didn’t want to have surgery.

Wednesday was pretty much the same, I would buzz the nurse every 4 hours so I could have a pain killer, I was trying to wean off the morphine drip that I had been given upon admittance. on Thursday, I had some more physical therapy and the doctor and his assistant stopped by to tell me that they liked the progress I had been making and that I could go home on Friday. Thursday was definitely a day for thankfulness. I had a couple more visitors, which was really great. Thursday was definitely the turning point because I started to realize that most of the pain I was feeling wasn’t from my back, but the left leg- a result of a car accident I was in back in September. The muscle tension in my left leg was causing me to have more trouble walking than I should have been. I carefully began to do some stretching on the leg so I could loosen it up and walk better, and with better posture.

On Friday morning I was finally cleared to go home. My physical therapist came by and we walked down the hall a bit and up some stairs. He, of course, wanted me to be able to walk and talk so he asked me to count down from 100 by 7s. I told him I couldn’t do that on a good day. So he asked for me to do it by 3s. I gave up and started quoting Shakespeare to him and he laughed. The doctor’s assistant came by for one final look and gave me the all clear for discharge. My mom loaded up her car with all of our stuff and I was finally wheeled down to the front of the hospital ward.

So, for now, I’m just resting. I am staying with my parents for a while since I can’t do everything for myself yet. I’m on medications that prevent my from driving, and even when I’m off of those, I won’t be able to drive long distances (so guess who’s glad that they can walk to the grocery store). I will be able to work my office job from my parents’ house because basically everything I do is online, however I can’t work at the spa for a few weeks.

Why did this happen to me? I’m not sure. I’ve worked hard for the last year to take care of myself, lose weight, and stay active. I’ve been working hard at rehabing my left leg so that the muscles are loose and are back to normal. So I really don’t know why I keep getting derailed from hitting my healthy goals, that seems pretty unfair, right?

But I do know this- I’ve been telling myself for a year that being healthy will never be easy for me. It will be a battle I fight every day (because I really suck at nutrition and My Fit Foods has been such a blessing so check them out). But I know that when I am finally at my goal size it will mean more to me and won’t be something I take for granted, or will give upt. I don’t know why this happened, but I’m never going down without a fight. I’m not going to give up on my goals. Yes, I’m sidelined right now- but that doesn’t mean that I’m out of the game.