Guest Blogger, Donna, is a mother of two and has been married forever. She enjoys knitting and singing in her church choir. She offered to write a blog post, and since she has spent my whole life teaching me how to be a young lady, I knew she would have great insight for you all. Thanks, Mom!
This blog has covered a lot of territory about etiquette, but I
have a few things to add.
Learn to respond graciously to compliments. When someone says to you, “Your hair looks great!” it is not gracious to say, “Really? It needs to be washed and this was the only thing I could do with it.” TMI!! Simply say, “Thank you,” with a sincere tone and smile. Sometimes, if you’re having a bad day, you might add, “I appreciate hearing that today.”
It’s easy to get in the habit of spilling your guts in every conversation. Someone asks another, “How are you?” and gets a blow-by-blow description of a bad day at the office and an upset stomach and the guy on the road who flipped her off because she got too close to his lane, etc. It isn’t that the questioner doesn’t care, but it was a simple question and a conversation starter. Responding with very negative comments is a conversation killer.
Don’t lie, but don’t monopolize the conversation with negatives. Look for some positives. Wherever you are, you arrived alive and relatively unscathed. If your ego suffered some bruises along the way, learn to laugh at yourself and move on. You might even learn to tell some of the same information in a comical manner that shows you can overcome the bumps along the road and find the humor in the situation. That makes you a much easier person to deal with.
Learning to apologize is indeed an important attribute in life. Learning to accept an apology is another one. All too often, when someone apologizes, we say, “OK, but you still did _______________.” Yes, they did. Hence, the apology. When someone swallows his own pride and admits a mistake and says, “I’m sorry,” the right response is, “Thank you. I accept your apology.” And that’s all. It is not my place to judge the sincerity of someone else’s apology. Only time will truly tell that. It cannot be determined instantaneously. So how do you know? What happens down the road will tell. A genuine apology will be followed by a genuine change in behavior. So you will have to have some interaction, though sometimes that means maintaining a little bit of distance, but you can’t completely disengage from someone and figure it out.
Now, there is one exception to that. If your life or physical safety is in jeopardy, then no, you don’t have to maintain contact. And repeated scenarios proving that someone has no intention of not doing the hurtful things he apologized for do not require continuing to put yourself in the path for being hurt. But in most situations, when someone apologizes, he means it. He won’t be perfect, he might have to break a habit meaning he will mess up again, but consistent progress is to be appreciated and recognized.
We girls love to have men treat us like ladies. Unfortunately, we are all too lax about acting like ladies and making men want to act like gentlemen. We undermine their attempts and belittle them without even thinking. If a man opens a door for you, look at him and smile and say, “Thank you.” Every time. Especially if he is a stranger who just happens to choose to treat you like a lady even though he’s never met you.
If a guy respects you, and honors boundaries while dating, let him know you appreciate that. “Thank you for never pushing me beyond what I believe is the line to draw in our relationship.” And women need to remember to draw that line and stay far away from it themselves. Do not lead a man right to the line and then cry “Foul!” Decide before you go out the door where that line will be.
Be respectful of your date and others, in fact. Be on time. Be ready five minutes early. The pastor of the church I attended as I was growing up had a saying, “If you’re not five minutes early, you’re late.” It is rude to make someone wait “for effect”. If you habitually run late, get over yourself. Figure out that you need to start earlier. You are NOT more important than the person who is waiting for you.
Be respectful of others in your group. Sarcasm is amusing. It happens to be my favorite source for laughs, but it is very demeaning and disrespectful when aimed at others. Never belittle those around you. If a guy is thinking about asking you out on a date, and he hears you talk badly about others or past dates, he will not want to be added to your list of zingers.
In short, be a positive person. Last week, I was guilty of a negative entrance into an office. The professional I was meeting called me on it, and I responded that I was “positive” of these three negative things. It was funny. She laughed, too, and I realized that no matter how stressful my day had been, the things I was complaining about were all temporary inconveniences. I had allowed them to become too important to me.
Finally, there are some things that just should not be discussed in public. And especially around the opposite sex. Nor should those topics be used as excuses for bad behavior. Ladies, you know what I mean. Self-discipline is a beautiful thing, even when you don’t “feel” like doing the right thing or having the right attitude. A gentleman will understand without having it spelled out for him, and he will make allowances, but he should not be expected to do so. And he certainly doesn’t need to hear the details.
Life is what you make of it. You can make it a negative, downer event, or you can work to be positive, to be fun, to laugh when it’s tempting to cry (though there will be some sadness in your life, but focus on the joy of the Lord whenever possible), and see the humor in those around you and the situations of every day.
If you treat people like you want to be treated, you will be
treated better. Saying thank you, accepting apologies, showing respect for
others all sounds so easy. How have we gotten away from doing that day in and
day out? Focus on what is expected and be the person you want to have in your
life. It makes for a much more pleasant life because it makes you a much more
pleasant person.
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