Friendationship: when two people enter into a close friendship and fulfill the emotional needs that are generally met in a relationship. This can include being dates to parties or weddings, shopping buddies, etc. This can also lead to the questions asked by others "Are you dating [insert name here]?"
During my Valentine series, I touched on the subject of Moving On from a relationship or a friendship if it was a toxic environment. And I explained the reasons that I, personally, felt the need to exit my own friendationship. Now, most of my friends know exactly what I mean when I label the relationship I had as a friendationship. So how can we tell when the line is blurred and we stop being "just friends" but aren't "dating"? After talking to multiple people in my life and hearing their stories of friendationships, I realized this is far more prevalent than we realize. It seems that many of my friends have that "certain person" of the opposite sex with whom they have entered into a friendationship.
How does it start? Innocently, most of the time. Maybe you don't want to drive to a party, so you ask if that Certain Someone, wants to carpool, guaranteeing you some alone time. And when you both walk in to the event together, maybe you realize that you like having everyone ask if you and that person are dating. But because you're friends, you hadn't really thought about it before, but now it's in your head and you're wondering if your friend could be more than a friend.
Why is it so comfortable? Because you're already friends, you begin to feel like you two could/would/should be a good couple. The thought life rears it's ugly head and before you know it, you're starting to think that they could/would/should be with you. Or maybe you just really enjoy the consistency they bring into your life. Whenever you need someone to hang out with they're right there. Which, let's admit it, is nice to have in a friend.
Who is it hurting? Usually, in a friendationship, there's going to be one person who wants more and one who wants less. The person who wants less is generally using the other person because they like knowing they have a safety net dating option. The person who wants more is usually trying to do things, say things, wear things, that will impress the other and make them realize that they belong together. The friendship is no longer in balance because one of the friends is becoming more invested in the other.
Why is it wrong? Using someone as a safety net or a back burner isn't fair. No one should ever say "Well, I don't know that I wouldn't EVER date them, but they're my friend and I want to see what else is out there first." If the person with whom you are friendationshipping is truly a friend, make sure that you make it known that you don't want to date them, you value the friendship too much to hurt them, and give them some space.
How do I walk away? If you're the person who is wanting something more then it's probably time to take some space. Now, if your friendationship partner has been giving you mixed signals (holding your hand, being affectionate, flirting) then you certainly need to let them know why you're going to be taking some space and let them know what they have done that is misleading. If they haven't really done those things, and you have formed feelings for them on your own, then just become unavailable. Don't answer calls, texts, or Facebook messages. Let them be the one to ask what's going on, and at that point all you need to say is that you're working through something.
Truthfully, a friend that really loves you well, will have the lines clearly defined throughout your friendship, never leaving you wondering if they like you or not. And a true friend will certainly understand the need you have for space, if you choose to take it.
Other Side Effects That May Occur Due To Friendationships:
1)Missing out on a potential relationship
2)Fraternizing and fantasizing over someone else's future spouse
3)Loss of a friend
4)Loss of identity
5)Insecurity
6)Entitlement
7)Jealousy
8)Anger
During my Valentine series, I touched on the subject of Moving On from a relationship or a friendship if it was a toxic environment. And I explained the reasons that I, personally, felt the need to exit my own friendationship. Now, most of my friends know exactly what I mean when I label the relationship I had as a friendationship. So how can we tell when the line is blurred and we stop being "just friends" but aren't "dating"? After talking to multiple people in my life and hearing their stories of friendationships, I realized this is far more prevalent than we realize. It seems that many of my friends have that "certain person" of the opposite sex with whom they have entered into a friendationship.
How does it start? Innocently, most of the time. Maybe you don't want to drive to a party, so you ask if that Certain Someone, wants to carpool, guaranteeing you some alone time. And when you both walk in to the event together, maybe you realize that you like having everyone ask if you and that person are dating. But because you're friends, you hadn't really thought about it before, but now it's in your head and you're wondering if your friend could be more than a friend.
Why is it so comfortable? Because you're already friends, you begin to feel like you two could/would/should be a good couple. The thought life rears it's ugly head and before you know it, you're starting to think that they could/would/should be with you. Or maybe you just really enjoy the consistency they bring into your life. Whenever you need someone to hang out with they're right there. Which, let's admit it, is nice to have in a friend.
Who is it hurting? Usually, in a friendationship, there's going to be one person who wants more and one who wants less. The person who wants less is generally using the other person because they like knowing they have a safety net dating option. The person who wants more is usually trying to do things, say things, wear things, that will impress the other and make them realize that they belong together. The friendship is no longer in balance because one of the friends is becoming more invested in the other.
Why is it wrong? Using someone as a safety net or a back burner isn't fair. No one should ever say "Well, I don't know that I wouldn't EVER date them, but they're my friend and I want to see what else is out there first." If the person with whom you are friendationshipping is truly a friend, make sure that you make it known that you don't want to date them, you value the friendship too much to hurt them, and give them some space.
How do I walk away? If you're the person who is wanting something more then it's probably time to take some space. Now, if your friendationship partner has been giving you mixed signals (holding your hand, being affectionate, flirting) then you certainly need to let them know why you're going to be taking some space and let them know what they have done that is misleading. If they haven't really done those things, and you have formed feelings for them on your own, then just become unavailable. Don't answer calls, texts, or Facebook messages. Let them be the one to ask what's going on, and at that point all you need to say is that you're working through something.
Truthfully, a friend that really loves you well, will have the lines clearly defined throughout your friendship, never leaving you wondering if they like you or not. And a true friend will certainly understand the need you have for space, if you choose to take it.
Other Side Effects That May Occur Due To Friendationships:
1)Missing out on a potential relationship
2)Fraternizing and fantasizing over someone else's future spouse
3)Loss of a friend
4)Loss of identity
5)Insecurity
6)Entitlement
7)Jealousy
8)Anger
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