Dear Sparkly, I read your first Oversharing post and had a question. You mentioned that men like mystery, but about if you like a guy that you are friends with and there's no mystery. What then?-Mediocrity
Dear M,
I certainly understand where you're coming from, and so I will do my very best to explain, as I do to many other young women, the importance of staying out of the "friend zone." It has become extremely easy, and acceptable, for men and women to have close friends of the opposite sex. But, as stated in When Harry Met Sally, men and women can't be friends.
A while back I attended a party with some people. I decided to do an experiment based on a book called The Rules. I would only initiate conversation with girls and keep conversations short with men. At one point in the evening I made my way to the game room and watched one of my girl friends play ping pong with a guy she had just met. While they were playing she gave him a rundown of her whole life. Now, I know this young woman well enough to know that she's very fun, can hunt, can dance, and has wicked skills in the kitchen. She is quite a catch, but she is often friend zoned, and suddenly I knew why. She took away all the mystery! Why would any guy want to take her out to dinner and "get to know" her if she took away the opportunity!
In contrast, I kept myself away from guys during the evening, making sure they sought me out. One guy in particular, who is very attractive and charismatic, always had a group of girls around him. So I made sure to not be included in that group, unless he had walked away. The end result was that he came over to me, across the lawn, to talk.
I still usually do a tactic like that when I'm out, or at a party. There are only a couple of guys that I will initiate with, all the others pretty much have to come to me. Are there exceptions? Absolutely! But for the most part, I've had great success of maintaining a level of mystery, even amoung my guy friends. If they want to know what is going on with me, they have to come and ask!
Another big thing I've found to be helpful is being less available. In another post I mentioned how I stopped going to a dance hall as often because my guy friends stopped dancing with me and would dance with other girls. So what did I do? I stopped going every week so the once a month I did go they guys were all very excited to see me and wanted to dance with me! Yeah, it really is that easy.
The last thing I will say is this, know the importance of boundaries. The only time that a man should know everything about you is when you're married. Maybe not even then. The more you offer unsolicited information about yourself, the less mysterious you become. Women today feel like they have to compete for a guy and we do that by showing off our skills or telling the guy interesting facts and funny anecdotes. Stop! Stop robbing men of the opportunity and desire to take you on a date! That's what dates are for- getting to know each other!
Ladies, if you're reading this and you're single I want to challenge you to try the experiment. The next time you're at a social event, don't approach any of the guys, especially the ones you're interested in getting to know. Let the men who are attracted to you pursue conversation with you. I dare you. Email me with your results!
For more on Fashion, Beauty, and Etiquette email me at sparklyinthecity@gmail.com
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