So what are we looking for? In my survey I wanted to find out what some would list for desired qualities in a future spouse. One of them put this....
"She has to be a SLOB. Stage in her life where she can date, Legal (21 means 21), of the Opposite Sex, and a Believer-in-Christ…SLOB"
Now, of course, I was just as amused as the rest of you are. But, this got me thinking about my own list of what I am looking for.
There are those who think a list is a great idea, and others who think having a list is awful. I'd have to say that when I very first formulated a list, 10 years ago, they were very in and mine went something like this....
Marine, Christian, Good Dancer, Like Animals, Tall, Family Gets Along With Mine
There were more things on the list, but I can tell you right now, that I dated a man who fit everything on my list (minus the height requirement) and he was absolutely not the man I needed to be with. He even told me that our age difference, of three years, was too much for him. He later married a young woman, my same age, after he came back from the war.
In some ways, yes, a list can be bad because if you aren't making the right things a priority then you will be focusing on the wrong things. My list these days is more about someone being ready for marriage. Any man who wants to date me has to hit these things. And he can't do that if he's living in extended adolescence.
1-Doesn't live with mom and dad. *I've had friends argue this point with me, but this is one of mine non-negotiables.
2. Has a car that runs. It doesn't have to be an Audi or something, but it needs to get from Point A to Point B without needing to be jumped.
3. Financially stable. As long as his debt is being managed, and can afford to take me on dates, then we're good.
4. Emotionally mature. He needs to be able to have a conversation with me, even fight with me, without threatening to leave the relationship when things get hard. This also means that he needs to know how to cope with the hard things life can throw at you.
One of the hardest things about knowing what to look for, for me anyways, is watching my friends choose people who aren't suited for them. Not that the person couldn't become suited for them, but when you start a relationship, you shouldn't expect your significant other to change for you. I have had plenty of experience watching my good guy friends date ladies who fit a certain profile, or type. Tall, blonde, athletic, good job. But after a little while, things would fizzle. I could be wrong, but in my opinion, maybe it's because when we date someone who doesn't really know us then we have to try and keep a certain appearance, or mask, on all the time. And when the mask comes off, suddenly a person sees things they didn't count on.
I think having an example would be best. Think about an online dating profile. You can fill out information about yourself for someone else to see and base whether or not they like you on a few facts and a photo. But that's surface, and then you run the risk of someone printing out your profile and bringing it along on the first date to do fact checking. Creepy. Haha.
It truly breaks my heart when people don't get to know someone, myself included, enough to see who they really are before making a decision. I have a really good friend who always has girls talking to him, emailing him, asking him out, basically- pursuing him. He's a good looking guy with a charismatic spirit who enjoys being around people (he's more extroverted than me, if you can believe that). But he only shows most people about 10%-20% of who he is. Because of that, people have a specific opinion of him, they even stereotype his character based on his looks. I know I did, for a long time. Over the last year, I've been able to see under the surface and actually see him for who is and understand him fully. Unfortunately, the women he chooses to date are only privy to that surface side of him. And so when they try to overly appeal to those things then a couple things happen. 1)His ego gets boosted too much in the wrong area, 2)He thinks those surface things are what's most important, 3)He hides the part of himself that is far more valuable than the surface stuff, 4) And then he gets hurt because the girls don't understand, or trust him, because he isn't like all the other men that fit his "stereotype"
I actually don't know if this specific guy reads my blog, so if he is reading this right now, then this piece of advice is directed towards him, but I think it's valuable for all. Seriously, do this with your friends or community group, roommates, whoever, just as an exercise.
Close your eyes and think....
- Who was the last woman who made you feel safe and comfortable, like you could just be you.
- A woman who knows your past, accepts it, and is still in your life and cares for you.
- A woman who knows your love languages and can speak to them.
- A woman who can correct you when you're wrong, or when you've hurt her feelings but corrects you in the right time and place and helps you see why your actions are received a certain way and helps you change for the better.
- A woman who can communicate well with you.
- A woman who will be there for you no matter what happens. Take this one seriously because all the girls I know are always willing to bring by a cup of soup if you have a cold. Is there someone who would sit with you in a hospital, take care of your family if they needed it, who has such an open and caring heart there is no denying that she has the gentle spirit of a godly woman?
- A woman who accepts your flaws and doesn't demand perfection from you, and you don't feel like you have to be perfect around
- A woman who sees your strengths and lets you know she appreciates them.
- A woman who has a good reputation, serves others, is always willing to help, listens well, wants to encourage others, is careful how she speaks when offering advice or wisdom, discerning, empathetic, enjoys some of you interests, and can live within her means (and yours, should you pursue her).
Remember a few paragraphs ago when I told you about a guy who only dated tall, blondes, who had great jobs? Here's what happened....He dated these beautiful women because "on paper" they looked like a perfect fit. But after a month or two, things would always fizzle out and she'd disappear. After a few years, his mentors encouraged him to take his closest girl friend on a date. He did, and they married about a year later. So, guys, stop looking on the other side of the fence where the grass is greener, because maybe you've already got the right woman on your side, planting flowers and making your life beautiful.
Come back tomorrow for What Are You Looking For? Part Two
*If you're a huge fan of the Proverbs 31 woman, take a look at the list above and compare it to the traits she possessed. She always put her family first, was good at budgeting her money, had a good reputation, served others, was trusted and respected by her husband, and had some fashion sense, too.*
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