Flirting: Being overly complimentary, teasing, bantering, physically touching someone to emphasize a point, or let them know you're interested in them. When used with the right person can be considered flattering, but when used on multiple people can cause you to have a bad reputation.
One of my friends asked me recently if I thought the actions a guy made towards her were flirtatious or friendly. I usually tell women that most men don't really know the difference, either, but when she explained his actions and said that she monitored his behavior towards others to see if he was acting differently to those ladies, it was confirmed in my mind that she was the victim of flirtation.
So what exactly do we define as flirtation versus just being friendly? Sometimes it's hard to explain exactly, although most people seem to know it when they see it, but not always when they do it. Here's a scene from the B movie "Overnight"...
Tom: "Oh, excuse me, miss? Could I get a cup of coffee, please?"
Stewardess: "Would you like cream or sugar?"
Tom: "No, black is good. I mean, unless its really weak and in that case I'll take some sugar."
Stewardess: "It is really weak. I don't drink it myself."
**Note: Thus far, this has been a friendly interaction. What follows constitutes flirting.**
Tom: "Well, you look like you know your coffee beans" <-- See, overly complimentary
Stewardess: "Well, I am a little spoiled. I live across the street from this great place called Dante's."
Tom: "In the village? I live like a block from there. I stagger there nearly every morning for my caffeine fix."
Stewardess: "Oh, well maybe we should stagger over together sometime. We practically live next door to each other."
When you begin to flirt with someone you are stroking their ego to make them enjoy being around you because, let's be honest, we all like to get some affirmation once in a while. So the more someone flirts with us, the better we feel about ourselves and the more time we want to spend around that person.
Why is it wrong? Flirting can create feelings on one end that aren't necessarily reciprocated by the other person. It leads them into thinking that you admire them and that you find them special. But when you begin treating everyone like that, the specialness is taken away and confusion sets in. Confusion can set in even if you're only being flirtatious with one person.
Who is it hurting? Flirting can hurt more than one person. It can hurt the person being flirted with by giving them a mixed signal of your intentions. It can be used as a manipulation tactic to get someone to enter in to a friendationship, or to just use the attention they give you to help decrease your own insecurities. Flirting can also hurt the flirter by gaining a reputation for being a flirt. This will cause people to be wary of the flirter and not take anything they do or say seriously, and when the flirter is truly interested in someone, there can be repercussions because of that bad reputation.
How can I change? If you don't know what you're doing or saying to others that is being perceived as flirtation, then ask. If you're reading this and your friends have told you that you have a reputation of being a flirt, then you will need to break your habits, even if you don't think you're doing anything wrong. If you are someone who is constantly being flirted with and you're very certain the person flirting with you isn't interested, then tell them you'd like to maintain the friendship and they need to be aware that their actions can be misleading.
What if someone doesn't know that they're flirting? Show them this post, especially that scene from Overnight. But on the whole, most people know they are flirting, they just don't realize that it can be very harmful to a friendship because of it being used incorrectly.
One of my friends asked me recently if I thought the actions a guy made towards her were flirtatious or friendly. I usually tell women that most men don't really know the difference, either, but when she explained his actions and said that she monitored his behavior towards others to see if he was acting differently to those ladies, it was confirmed in my mind that she was the victim of flirtation.
So what exactly do we define as flirtation versus just being friendly? Sometimes it's hard to explain exactly, although most people seem to know it when they see it, but not always when they do it. Here's a scene from the B movie "Overnight"...
Tom: "Oh, excuse me, miss? Could I get a cup of coffee, please?"
Stewardess: "Would you like cream or sugar?"
Tom: "No, black is good. I mean, unless its really weak and in that case I'll take some sugar."
Stewardess: "It is really weak. I don't drink it myself."
**Note: Thus far, this has been a friendly interaction. What follows constitutes flirting.**
Tom: "Well, you look like you know your coffee beans" <-- See, overly complimentary
Stewardess: "Well, I am a little spoiled. I live across the street from this great place called Dante's."
Tom: "In the village? I live like a block from there. I stagger there nearly every morning for my caffeine fix."
Stewardess: "Oh, well maybe we should stagger over together sometime. We practically live next door to each other."
When you begin to flirt with someone you are stroking their ego to make them enjoy being around you because, let's be honest, we all like to get some affirmation once in a while. So the more someone flirts with us, the better we feel about ourselves and the more time we want to spend around that person.
Why is it wrong? Flirting can create feelings on one end that aren't necessarily reciprocated by the other person. It leads them into thinking that you admire them and that you find them special. But when you begin treating everyone like that, the specialness is taken away and confusion sets in. Confusion can set in even if you're only being flirtatious with one person.
Who is it hurting? Flirting can hurt more than one person. It can hurt the person being flirted with by giving them a mixed signal of your intentions. It can be used as a manipulation tactic to get someone to enter in to a friendationship, or to just use the attention they give you to help decrease your own insecurities. Flirting can also hurt the flirter by gaining a reputation for being a flirt. This will cause people to be wary of the flirter and not take anything they do or say seriously, and when the flirter is truly interested in someone, there can be repercussions because of that bad reputation.
How can I change? If you don't know what you're doing or saying to others that is being perceived as flirtation, then ask. If you're reading this and your friends have told you that you have a reputation of being a flirt, then you will need to break your habits, even if you don't think you're doing anything wrong. If you are someone who is constantly being flirted with and you're very certain the person flirting with you isn't interested, then tell them you'd like to maintain the friendship and they need to be aware that their actions can be misleading.
What if someone doesn't know that they're flirting? Show them this post, especially that scene from Overnight. But on the whole, most people know they are flirting, they just don't realize that it can be very harmful to a friendship because of it being used incorrectly.
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