It's hard to believe that I started this blog around five years ago. And if I ever had to guess, I'm not where I thought I would be.
So let's back track....
In the spring of 2017 my husband and I purchased a home in a small town, about 40 minutes from Dallas. It was a nice plot of land with some wood beams.
The house was ready for moving in at the end of May and so we packed our bags, boxes, and my cat, and moved to a beautiful little house in the country.
In October of 2017 I cam across an ad for an esthetician position at a local spa and salon. The interview went really well and by the end of the month I was open for business.
But during that month I was also dealing with some major emotional trauma. For most of my marriage, I was afraid of my husband touching me. I was terrified of what was going to happen again. I blamed myself for nearly a year and a half for what had transpired. I thought that one day I would want to be intimate with him. But that day never came. At the end of September, a friend came to visit me, and I poured my heart out to her and explained my fears and the incident that had happened shortly after I was married. She looked me in the eye and said, "That wasn't your fault. That was sexual assault."
For a few weeks I processed what she said. I went to see some friends over the next month and they all agreed about the situation - I needed out and I had withdrawn consent, but my husband refused to listen.
So there I was. Dealing with the complicated mess of a marriage. And what I told myself was that I would build my business, and the minute I could take over all of the bills and mortgage, I would ask for a divorce. I knew I wanted out.
I confronted my husband more than once over the next few months. He went from acting like I was crazy to being totally defensive and talking to lawyers. Everything was crumbling, the marriage that I wanted didn't exist. He started drinking a lot more and stopped hiding his smoking habit. Tempers flared all the time. I was so mad about how long it was taking my business to build because I wanted out.
In March, he moved out, and I felt a lot of relief, and also fear. I hadn't retained enough clientele to completely stand on my own. I was more scared of staying with him, at that point.
Fast forward to summer. A day where I nearly ended my life because a roommate, a best friend, and two other friends, all walked out of my life, on top of being angry that my husband didn't lose his job or go to jail for what he did to me. The fact is that I was looking for other people to fix me. To make me feel validated and important. After that day, I new I needed more help so I started seeing a therapist regularly.
It's been over a year since I realized that I was sexually assaulted by the man I was married to and that really opened my eyes to what challenges spouses who are abused can face. I am an entirely different person now. I deal with anxiety, depression, insecurity, and have abandonment issues. But the good news is that I'm on a path to be healthier and I hope I can share some of that journey here.
So let's back track....
In the spring of 2017 my husband and I purchased a home in a small town, about 40 minutes from Dallas. It was a nice plot of land with some wood beams.
The house was ready for moving in at the end of May and so we packed our bags, boxes, and my cat, and moved to a beautiful little house in the country.
In October of 2017 I cam across an ad for an esthetician position at a local spa and salon. The interview went really well and by the end of the month I was open for business.
But during that month I was also dealing with some major emotional trauma. For most of my marriage, I was afraid of my husband touching me. I was terrified of what was going to happen again. I blamed myself for nearly a year and a half for what had transpired. I thought that one day I would want to be intimate with him. But that day never came. At the end of September, a friend came to visit me, and I poured my heart out to her and explained my fears and the incident that had happened shortly after I was married. She looked me in the eye and said, "That wasn't your fault. That was sexual assault."
For a few weeks I processed what she said. I went to see some friends over the next month and they all agreed about the situation - I needed out and I had withdrawn consent, but my husband refused to listen.
So there I was. Dealing with the complicated mess of a marriage. And what I told myself was that I would build my business, and the minute I could take over all of the bills and mortgage, I would ask for a divorce. I knew I wanted out.
I confronted my husband more than once over the next few months. He went from acting like I was crazy to being totally defensive and talking to lawyers. Everything was crumbling, the marriage that I wanted didn't exist. He started drinking a lot more and stopped hiding his smoking habit. Tempers flared all the time. I was so mad about how long it was taking my business to build because I wanted out.
In March, he moved out, and I felt a lot of relief, and also fear. I hadn't retained enough clientele to completely stand on my own. I was more scared of staying with him, at that point.
Fast forward to summer. A day where I nearly ended my life because a roommate, a best friend, and two other friends, all walked out of my life, on top of being angry that my husband didn't lose his job or go to jail for what he did to me. The fact is that I was looking for other people to fix me. To make me feel validated and important. After that day, I new I needed more help so I started seeing a therapist regularly.
It's been over a year since I realized that I was sexually assaulted by the man I was married to and that really opened my eyes to what challenges spouses who are abused can face. I am an entirely different person now. I deal with anxiety, depression, insecurity, and have abandonment issues. But the good news is that I'm on a path to be healthier and I hope I can share some of that journey here.
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